...hate blog post...

...blow me.

You know, I've had it with people who you tried to be nice with all your life.

Hey, guess what? Go fuck yourself coz I am not even bothered.

Try be nice to you and you are now not even picking up my phone calls. So much for me trying to cover your ass when you fucked up my orders.

Try to be civilised with my "Dear.. tqvm" emails to get the order update but hey, it's more on my side doing the dirty job of telling the customers "Hey, your orders will be done late because this stupid moron did not even bother to follow up on my case?"

Try to warm it up to the bosses just to get another phonecall in the morning "Hey, where's the update that I need?" I am on paid leave, you motherfucker. And d'ohh, your manager and YOURSELF has the copy of the email sent by the customer on the UPDATE that you need.

Try to tell you that hey, the schedule is full for the installation of service and hey, can we just stick to the schedule that we have informed you. But no, you insisted that another DAY spells the doomsday of your business. I don't give one shit about your business mister. I have done my best to push the delivery date, but hell, I can't force people to change their schedule just because of you!

Try to tell you that when the fault is with the MAIN cable / fiber core servicing the AREA, I can't really push for your individual telephone lines to be up, because your fucking outlet has started operation. The main fiber core to the area do not have YOUR OUTLET name on it but everyone's name too! So can't you just WAIT?

So you see.. with all these happenings WHEN I AM ON FUCKING PAID LEAVE, please don't expect me to be civilised. And you, HUSBAND, I don't want McD for lunch! I want to have a proper meal, or don't even bother coming home for lunch when you are damn pressed for deadline. I don't give a shit. Next time, just send me off to any shopping malls and leave me there.

Fuck you.

...a day in the life of a crazy woman...

...pagi yang malas.



Bangun dari tidur. Menggeliat. Tengok jam hp. 7.08 pagi. Amir masih tidur. Lightly snoring. Warm. Nice. Cannot bring self to leave bed. He's..so..warm..



Best snuggle dengan laki pagi2 ni. Tak caya, kawin la. Baru tau. Hahahahaha...

Sampai opis, beli nasik lemak bungkus. Wash off with teh tarik. Kenyang.

Unplug telephone jack kat meja aku supaya tak berbunyik. Customer yang tau aku nye hp number boleh call mobile aku. Senyap dan aman. Fuhhh...

Check emails. Banyak. Ada yang menarik (Cuti @PD), ada yang menyakitkan hati (Outstanding LCB and COINS). Hadap aje la.

Lunch. Makan nasik lauk belitung masak lemak tapi tak pedas. Tak syiok. Telan aje la.

Lepas lunch, sambung tengok email. Hm. Memaki hamun mana yang patut. Submit program agenda pada Project Manager.

Hantar email pada CSM. Call nak follow up tapi tak berjawab. Bangkai betul. Kok ye pun nak pulau kan aku, be professional la. Jawab la email aku. Kalau aku boleh tahan baca email "Kambing Hitam" kau, email "Buang Masa RNO" kau, takkan takleh nak baca email aku yang start dengan "Assalamualaikum dan Salam Sejahtera" dan diakhiri dengan "TQVM". Babi betul.

Customer SMS. Dia maki aku sebab aku tak jawab SMS dia. Aku maki balik. End of story.

Hishh bila la nak balik ni.

Esok buat lagi...

...cut so deep, it hurts your soul...

...pagi yang gelap, kini sudah terang...

Aku sampai opis lambat. Tetiba bos aku sms "Aumi, where are you? Kristal dah nak start."

Like...huh? Tak pernah2 sms ni. Urgent ke?

Then I got to know, aku kena share success story untuk sesi Pep Talk KRISTAL.

Demm.. Satu hapah pun tak ready ni. Aku nak goreng pasal ape...

The thing is, aku sendiri tak pasti kalau aku ade success story. Steady Aumi.. steady...

Tarik nafas dalam-dalam. "Good morning.. hm.. success stories.. where do I start?"

Tahun lepas.. ada sekali tu bos aku suruh aku present. Tajuk ape-ape la. Ikut suka. Aku seperti biasalah kan, tak pernah ambil serius pun. Tapi bila sampai hari kena present tu, aku sejuk kepala. Member lain siap prepare slide! Aku? Haram...

So aku fikir.. ape ni.. ape ni.. blank ni... then aku dapat idea. Blank. Yes, blank is good. Great!

Aku ke depan, aku pasang Power Point. Tapi Power Point kosong. Blank. And korang tau tajuk apa aku present? DREAM. Something yang aku conjure kan tak sampai 5 minit.

Aku cerita pasal angan-angan. Impian. Impian yang asalnya kosong macam Power Point kat depan ni. Cerita macam mana nak 'mewarnakan' impian. Dan 5 minit berikutnya, tepukan gemuruh. Komen GM aku? Aku came prepared. Heh. Kalau la dia tau aku sebenarnya tak bersedia langsung untuk speech tu. Siap ada yang kata aku ni inspiring. Hahahahahahahaha... gile pandai kenching aku ni kan?

Berbalik kepada masa sekarang...

5 minutes.. done. Simple. Siap ada kata-kata semangat lagi. (Punya la living in denial. Sebab aku sendiri pun rasa aku tak termotivate dengan kata-kata aku..but anyhow..)

"Yes, we may face some issues with our work, but after all that, once we get it, what we want.. we'll say, it's worth it..." What the hell was that? Euwww...

Then aku tanya dengan member aku, how was I? She said..."well, aku cakap dengan akak seblah aku, Aumi dalam tak prepare pun boleh bercakap macam tu..."

Skill? Maybe. Skill mengenching..

Ciao~!

...I Inspire Beautiful Powerful Love..

"I Inspire Beautiful Powerful Love"

...itu actually satu statement yang aku letak atas meja aku. Bersama-sama kata-kata semangat yang lain;

"Never Give Up"
"Coming together is a BEGINNING, keeping together is PROGRESS, working together is SUCCESS"
"WINNING means always striving to be BETTER, DIFFERENT, FIRST"
"What matters most is how you see yourself" (caption ada gamba anak kucing tengok cermin dengan reflection singa)

dan yang paling poyo sekali -

"I can do anything and I'm beautiful doing it" (ada gambar awek buat flying kick sebab ini ad utk Nike Woman).

Ada jugak article yang aku amik dari newsletter company aku - "Leadership tips - characteristics of an effective team". Ewah... masa ni aku berangan nak jadi team leader. So aku letak la article ni untuk aku baca buat tambah ilmu...

Inspiring? Er.. not!

Semua ni aku letak masa aku awal2 take up the challenge untuk buat High End Profile customers. Gile. Masa tu aku tak ada kawan nak motivate diri aku ni. So kena la push diri sendiri. Heh.

Tapi bila dah lama2 tu dia jadi disillussioned. So lately aku punya slogan atas meja ada cynical sikit;

"My job is secure - nobody wants it"
"Some days are a total waste of makeup"

..buat gelak kalau tengah tension. And untuk sejukkan hati aku, aku letak gamba wedding parents aku. Bila ingat kat derang aku rasa tenang kejap, tadek la rasa huru-hara.

Dan aku letak jugak notice kat whiteboard aku - magnet Garfield; MY PLACE, MY MESS, MY BUSINESS. Tapi ade jugak yang miang tangan kemas meja aku masa lawatan Dato' COO ke opis aku hari tu. Shilake. Biarla. Nampak la aku ni banyak keje...(memang banyak keje pun).

Rupanya bila aku trace balik, perangai letak mende pelik2 atas meja aku ni aku bawak dari masa aku sekolah menengah lagi. Masa tu aku prefect; prefect kat asrama dapat room. Dalam satu bilik ada 3 orang, dua orang ni dapat noticeboard, aku tak ade. So aku buat sendiri pakai papan polisterin. Aku beli pembalut cantik, aku balut, dan aku tampal board ni atas dinding depan meja study aku. Atas board tu aku letak gamba mak aku, gamba aku adik-beradik, kata-kata semangat untuk aku SPM. And of course, target aku untuk SPM - 9A1! Aku actually dah lupa pasal board ni sampai la aku came across gamba aku masa form5 kat bilik; choyyy... poyo gile!

Bila kat MMU, perangai tu tak abis lagi. Ade satu board kat depan meja aku jugak. Bila aku ada masalah dengan one of my housemates yang tetiba pulaukan aku tak pasal2, aku tulis kata-kata semangat "She's only ONE person!" something like that la. So board ni tempat aku meluahkan perasaan aku yang tengah sakit hati sebab ada lahanat sorang ni buat hal pulak dengan aku.

So.. board aku ni memang banyak gunanya..utk motivasikan diri aku, and tempat aku luahkan perasaan aku.. :P

Aku rasa kalau aku jadik boss, perkara pertama yang aku akan buat, letak motivational stuffs kat meja setiap staff aku. (Tadek la exactly macam yang aku buat skang ni, melampau2). Akan aku susun kat dinding office. Kat bilik aku. Every evening, buat pep talk 5 mins ataupun buat aktiviti yg boleh rapatkan hubungan sesama staff. Menari, berlakon, ape-apelah. Sebelum balik rumah, discharge dulu masalah.

Aku percaya untuk naikkan produktiviti kakitangan, kita kena amalkan sikap caring for each other. Lift their spirits, show that we care. Sales team lebih2 lagi. Hari-hari kita balik kerja dengan rasa susah hati utk menghadapi hari esok. Give these people something to look forward to each day.

..dan kita mulakan dengan meletakkan slogan ini atas meja - NEVER GIVE UP!

Satu hari nanti... :-)

...Lucky I'm In Love With My Best Friend...

...angau~!

Semalam aku sembang dengan Amir on the way back home from work(aku dengan Amir selalu bersembang kan?) .. aku cakap, aku ni nama je kawin dengan Software Engineer, tapi website sendiri pun tak ada. Job buat online system berlambak2.. tapi sendiri punye.. domain pun tadek. Ishk.

Pastu aku tanya kat dia, nak kena buat macam job lain ke? Nak kena bayar? Kalau tanak caj direct, aku boleh cari proxy. Mintak proxy tu yang propose kat Amir. Then aku bayar la proxy tu. Hahahahaha... gile psycho (plus desperado pun ade nih!). Dia diam je.. "tak de lah.. mana ade.." tu la jawapan biasa dia kalu aku sakat camtu. Pastu terus pandang depan. Memandu. Buat cam tatau je. Shilake.

So hari ni.. tetiba dia email aku..

ayang,
lagu jason mraz tu ayang boleh download kat:-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-

www.aumiamir.com

suprise!

-amir-

Heh heh heh heh heh.. thank you bang...

Jason Mraz - Lucky (feat Colbie Caillat)
============================
Do you hear me,I'm talking to you
Across the water across the deep blue ocean
Under the open sky, oh my, baby I'm trying

Boy I hear you in my dreams
I feel your whisper across the sea
I keep you with me in my heart
You make it easier when life gets hard

I'm lucky I'm in love with my best friend
Lucky to have been where I have been
Lucky to be coming home again
Ooohh, ooooh, oooh, oooh,
Oooh ooh ooh ooh

They don't know how long it takes
Waiting for a love like this
Every time we say goodbye
I wish we had one more kiss
I'll wait for you I promise you, I will

I'm lucky I'm in love with my best friend
Lucky to have been where I have been
Lucky to be coming home again

Lucky we're in love every way
Lucky to have stayed where we have stayed
Lucky to be coming home someday

And so I'm sailing through the sea
To an island where we'll meet
You'll hear the music fill the air
I'll put a flower in your hair

Though the breezes through trees
Move so pretty you're all I see
As the world keeps spinning round
You hold me right here right now

I'm lucky I'm in love with my best friend
Lucky to have been where I have been
Lucky to be coming home again

I'm lucky we're in love every way
Lucky to have stayed where we have stayed
Lucky to be coming home someday

...mindless post...

...hola~!

Lama tak update. Satu; aku busy. Dua; aku busy. Tiga; aku b.. oh, you get my point!

Anyhoo, despite my busy schedule, aku cuba untuk menulis sekerap mungkin. Pada aku, only through expressing my thoughts like this am I able to keep my sanity. Which always at the brink of self-sacrilege. So you see, writing makes me.. happy. Heh.

People might thought that when you write without taking into consideration of other's point of view, you teeters towards sanctimonious pride. In other words - shiok sendiri. Tapi pada aku, writing is definitely my own way of seeing things, and if you don't like what I write, screw you. Being considerate when writing is definitely not even an option. :-)

I grew up trained to be vocal. The first 10 years of my life was filled with school debates, poetry recitation, short sketch, story-telling competition; you name 'em cheesy stuffs, I've done them all. I have my dad to blame; he sent me off to the competition venue himself. He encouraged me to stand in front of the people and speak up. When I was hesitant, he pushed me (not literally though, thank God). He said, there is no need to be ashamed of. If you try, you will succeed. Sheesh. Damn those Hallmark moment.

So I grew up to become someone who is not afraid to speak her mind. However, in some ways, I have turned into an obnoxious brat who never mince her words. There's one time I texted my dad after I overheard a fight between him and my mom. I actually said this - 'I am sick of all this fighting at home. I hope this will never happen again.' And guess how old I was? 19. So, kena lah. Nasib baik tak naik tangan! But the thing about that incident was, when he was bashing me with this "you-ungrateful-daughter-I-never-taught-you-to-be-so-kurang-ajar-like-this" stuff, I was actually looking straight into his eyes, never battered an eyelash. Defiant? Not really. Kecut jugak. Kurang ajar? Maybe. But at least he knew I hate the fights.

Then, working. I was known as a very direct person in the office. However, there were times when my approach was too direct, even towards my superior. My ex-GM, he's one of my 'victim'. I was new. Just reported for duty. And the first sin I've commited? I asked him directly why he did not sign my mobile phone application. Wah, bad move! Everytime there's a new executive reporting for duty, his "Do's and Don't" list will include my name and what I did to him. Each and every time...

So I've learnt to mince my words. My emails are like English compositions. THIS close to become a literary masterpiece. Instead of saying "Pay your dues, jackass", I have to write "Kindly make your payment within 30 days of receiving this invoice", "Thanking you in advance for your current and future business with us".. *eurrghh*

What do I have left? Yep, this blog. This mindless rambling of a mad(wo)man. Hate me or love me, I am here to write.

...so I'll say.. f**k you.

Thank you.

...kerja macam aku...

"...Jangan kau bimbang sayang,
Di mana ku berada,
Dengan siapa ku bersama,
Jangan bimbang ku tetap kau yang punya.."

-Malique feat Najwa, Kau Yang Punya -

...kerja macam aku kena ada partner yang memahami. Kalau tak, boleh makan hati. Kerja macam aku kena selalu bersosial, tapi bukan sampai dinihari. Bukan juga perlu pergi party. Tidak perlu juga tunggu hingga after-party..

...kerja macam aku memang kena kuat cari. Cari tempat untuk cepat naik gaji. Cari duit untuk cepat beli Honda City. Curi masa untuk dapat bela diri. Cari jalan untuk dapat appraisal tinggi...

...kerja macam aku memang susah nak diganti. Tapi kalau aku mati ramai yang menanti. Bila aku senang memang ramai yang mencari. Bila aku susah aku jerit seorang diri...

...kerja macam aku Amir memang makan hati. Tengah-tengah malam ada lagi yang mencari. Bila servis rosak aku jadi gila babi. Buat troubleshooting ikut suka-suka hati...

...kerja macam aku buat aku tangguh lagi. Tangguh dapat anak entah bila tak tahu lagi. Kini aku rasa baik aku undur diri. Baik buat anak dan mula besarkan family...kalau orang cari aku kata PERGI MATI!

...kerja macam aku...

...open letter to you my sweet...

Dear Bos,

"...You know that I love you,
And what love endures.
All my thoughts are of you,
I am so completely yours...
Don’t wanna hear nobody chatter,
‘Cause I know you cheat.
Right or wrong, don’t matter,
When you’re with me, sweet...

Hush now, don’t explain;
You are my joy, and you’re my pain.
My life’s yours, love
So don’t explain..."

- Billie Holliday, Don't Explain -

...but sad to say, you are not with me when I need you.

So.. to hell with these..
1) Sales target
2) Collection target
3) Retention target
4) Complain target
5) Sales Visit target
6) SOA target
7) Final Account target
8) Adjustment target

I'm already dead when you read this anyway. So thank you for the wasteful 5 years I spent with you.

Yours truly,

Your dead employee.

...don't explain...?

...this is what's going thru my mind right now...

End-to-end test on circuit clear. From Bintang Exchange to Bukit Jalil Exchange. Softloop given and customer can see the loop. When circuit put through, see error. What kind of error, not sure. Try isolate error from one portion to another. Cannot do bi-directional loop since it is a G703 circuit.

...then it made me wonder; I AM AN ACCOUNT MANAGER, WITH RM1.57MILLION NEW SALES TARGET TO ACHIEVE. MY SALES ACHIEVEMENT UP TO NOVEMBER IS ONLY AT RM1.33MILLION, WHICH MEANS I AM LACKING ANOTHER 15%. I HAVE ANOTHER ONE MONTH PLUS TO ACHIEVE MY TARGET. IN MY FUNNEL IS ANOTHER RM115K, AND MANY OTHER LEADS ARE UNACHIEVABLE SINCE NO INFRA IS AVAILABLE AT KEY AREAS.

So which one should I worry more? And now can you see how berkecamuk nya kerja aku kan?

I sounds more like a technical person than a sales person. My NOC refers to me. Service Engineers? Forget it.. can't even understand changing of interface does not requires new network resources, just a matter of changing.. STOP!

I can't take this anymore! I can't...I just can't...

...maafkan aku...

...masa aku post lyric ni aku tengah tension. Dalam hati meluap-luap. Tapi tak boleh nak cerita pada orang. Aku rasa dah tak ramai yang sanggup nak dengar aku bercerita pasal kerja hari-hari. Bosan. Aku pun bosan nak bercerita dengan orang. Balik-balik sama; boss kejam, customer zalim, support team tak boleh harap. Rasa nak resign. Rasa nak bakar opis. Rasa nak nangis. Rasa nak ketawa. Rasa nak ketawa dan menangis pada masa yang sama. Rasa macam nak gila.

Masa ni nak telefon geng untuk bercerita pun tak sanggup. Kawan kita kawan masa happy. Masa sedih kita jeruk la dalam hati. Kadang2 nak bercerita pada kawan, time tu la kawan tu ada problem lain. So kita rasa macam... dipinggirkan. Sebab kita ada expectation pada kawan. Kita harap, bila kita rasa macam nak teguk paraquat tu macam teguk coke, sebelum buat tu kita ada geng yang boleh pujuk. Tapi gagal la. Teguk paraquat lagi cepat. Cepat 'settle'. Keje macam aku, dah masuk liang lahat baru phone aku berhenti berbunyi. Aku rasa sampai mailbox aku bounce baru orang perasan aku dah mati. Agaknya. Entah2 aku mati pun bos aku tak perasan. Customer jangan cerita la; ada yang pernah mention pada aku, kalau satu hari nanti aku dah tak pegang akaun derang, 5 minit lepas berita tu sampai pada dia, dia akan terus delete contact details aku. So there. What do you expect from others? Nothing. Zero. Zilch. Nada.

Nak cerita pada Amir, aku kesian. Aku tau Amir ada masalah dia sendiri. Hari2 dia cerita masalah dia kat aku. So aku nak cerita pada siapa? Pada pasu bunga? Maybe. Heh. Amir cakap ni la first time dia tengok aku marah tapi aku boleh senyum lagi. Maknanya aku dah tak larat. Biasanya kalau aku marah, aku akan tunjuk aku marah, normal. Tapi kalau aku senyum, tu dah lain. Dah parah. Senyum sebab nak tipu diri sendiri. Aku OK.. aku OK..

Lagu ni aku ulang dengar ada la dalam 20 kali satu malam ni...

Faizal Tahir - Cuba
================

Cuba kau dengar
Cuba kau cuba
Diam bila ku cuba
Tuk berbicara dengan kamu

Pernahkah kau ada
Bila ku perlu
Tuk meluahkan rasa hati

Dan bila kau bersuara
Setia ku mendengar
Agar tenang kau merasa

Siapa
Sebenarnya aku padamu
Mungkin sama dengan teman lain
Yang bisa kau buat begitu

Dan bila
Tiada lagi teman bermain
Kau pulang tuk dapatkan aku
Itulah aku…padamu

Cuba kau lihat
Cuba kau cuba
Renung ke mata aku
Bila ku kaku melihatmu

Pernahkah kau ada
Bila ku perlu
Tuk menyatakan rasa sakit
Dalam diri

Dan bila kau perlu
Setia ku menunggu
Agar senang kau merasa

Siapa
Sebenarnya aku padamu
Mungkin sama dengan teman lain
Yang bisa kau buat begitu
Dan bila
Tiada lagi teman bermain
Kau pulang tuk dapatkan aku
Itulah aku…padamu

Maafkan kerana aku tak pernah
Terlintas tuk menulis pada mu
Salahkan ku
Tak mungkin lagi aku meminta
Untuk kau mendengar..
Untuk kau melihat ke mataku

Siapa
Sebenarnya aku padamu
Mungkin sama dengan teman lain
Yang bisa kau buat begitu
Dan bila
Tiada lagi teman bermain
kau pulang tuk dapatkan aku
itulah aku…padamu

...gaya.. mutu.. keunggulan...

Noon, lunch hour. Lapar tapi malas nak makan...

Semalam aku pi meeting. As always, aku akan register utk pass pelawat kat adik receptionist bangunan tu. And sebab dah kenal, setiap kali aku datang adik ni sure sapa aku.

Hari semalam special sikit dia tegur.

"Suka la tengok akak."

He he. (Kembang tak usah cakap la...rasa nak melayang ke tingkat 21 Menara SME tu terusss....)

Aku suke make-up. Aku tak kisah berhabis untuk make-up. Aku pernah berhabis lebih 3 ribu untuk facial sahaja. Aku tak kisah. Muka aku masa tu memang berjerawat teruk masa tu. Ada ketika dulu, aku sanggup cuti bila muka aku macam orang kena demam campak. Tak sanggup nak tengok cermin, apetah lagi nak jumpa orang... punya la rasa rendah diri..

Pada aku memang semua wanita mahu kelihatan cantik. Aku tak berapa kejar term 'cantik', pada aku, aku lebih suka kelihatan presentable. Aku tak rasa aku cantik. Biasa je...

Satu lagi yang aku tak berkira ialah baju. Untuk meeting aku memang suka pakai suit. Sebab bila aku pakai suit, orang lebih attentive pada aku bila aku bercakap. Dan biasanya aku senang dapat apa yang aku nak bila aku pakai suit, ataupun at least pakai blouse. Tapi jangan salah anggap; aku tak pernah pakai seksi. Low cut? Takleh la.. (bukan ada apa2 yang aku nak flaunt pun. Hahahahhaha..)

Tapi yang kelakar ialah bila aku pakai baju kurung/kebaya. Ada sekali tu customer aku boleh tak cam aku bila aku pakai baju kebangsaan ni. Shilake...

I have nothing against baju kurung. Cuma kalau nak pakai baju kurung, please ensure jangan nampak macam makcik-makcik nak pi pasar. Fabrik kena la yang cantik, jangan la pakai kain cotton macam masa kita kat asrama dulu. Bila kedut, tak cantik. Silk is OK, tapi tak perlu la pakai kain sutera Opel. Tak selesa. Yang penting, cantik dan selesa...

Penataan warna jugak penting. Don't wear clashing colors, and kalau nak pakai prime color, jangan la dari kepala sampai ke kaki warna yang sama...tak ke jelik...

Aksesori jugak jangan la melampau-lampau. Ada staff kat opis aku ni, aku rasa nak panggil dia "The Walking Christmas Tree". Penuh dengan ornament. (Kalau aku cucuk plug letrik, mesti akak ni menyala... Hahahahahaha...) The point here is.. be attractive, not distractive... unless kalau nak suruh orang tu sign agreement without reading the fineprints, yes.. pakai la sepenuh-penuhnye... kiri dan kanan, atas dan bawah.. hahahahahaha.. but I doubt that it'll work..

Bila dalam career seperti aku, penampilan mesti OK. Baju kena kemas. Kasut mesti bertumit, kalau boleh, tinggi (serious, ni GM aku bagitau). Yang penting, timbulkan rasa confident for the rest to talk to you. Trustworthi-ness, one of my friends used to say. :) Dan yang penting, bila kita look presentable, kita sendiri pun rasa lebih confident untuk berinteraksi. Tak de la rasa conscious.. "Eh, ok ke baju ni? Comot tak?" etc...Nanti bila sibuk fikirkan pasal baju, message yang kita nak sampaikan pun tak kena. Body language pun tak kena, nampak canggung saje...

Tapi yang aku tak tahan bila ada orang ternampak passcard aku, then compare dengan aku sekarang. Ada yang selamba sound.. "huiii.. innocent nye..DULU...". So what? That pic was like.. 2 years back. C'mon people.. when you said "DULU".. does that means I am not innocent NOW? Hell, I don't care. It's not like I am prancing around scantily-dressed. Sama je, cuma lebih bergaya... ;-)

...so, selamat bergaya!

...love like that...

hola~!

Semalam aku went through surat-surat lama aku masa kat high school.

Demm. Macam-macam ada!

Ada yang sweet, ada yang kelakar. Ada yang.. oops.. toya! Yang sweet dari adik-adik angkat aku masa kat sekolah. Ye la, kita duduk asrama. Kalau nak bercakap dengan adik angkat a.k.a College Sis aku ni, kena lalu notes. Aku teringat zaman tu; kalau aku nak ajak CS aku date, aku akan tulis note, lipat and selit bawah food tray dia. Biasanya waktu dinner atau breakfast. And nothing would make my day happier when I found her note slipped under my tray. Especially when she said.. YES, jom tengok filmshow sama2... wihuuuu... kadang2 kalau lepas weekend, aku dapat chocolate bar. Best best...

(Okey.. okey. I know.. pelik kan..)

Ada jugak notes dari kakak angkat aku. Dia tak berapa suka tulis note. Notes dia pun pendek-pendek je. "Aku tengah study and aku teringat kat kau...""Aku nak wish gudlak for your finals..""Kau pi tengok filmshow minggu ni? Aku malas la.." (maknanya dia tamau ajak aku date la kan.) Bila aku baca balik, memang pelik rasanya. Amir memang pangkah gila la aktiviti menghantar notes ni kan. Dia kata memang tak pernah jumpa orang tulis notes macam tulis surat cinta ni. Lagi-lagi la sesama pempuan..

Dan ada jugak surat dari secret admirer aku yang secara peliknya masih aku simpan. Sedangkan surat dari boyepren aku semuanya sudah aku bakar dulu. Bakar tu... dramatik sungguh!

Dan ada jugak surat dari geng aku masa sama2 program student exchange dulu... :-)

Tapi surat yang paling aku hargai ialah surat2 yang dihantar oleh arwah sahabat baik aku masa aku sekolah kampung dulu. Setiap kali exam, atau bila lapang, atau bila birthday, she never failed to send me something. Sebak bila membacanya; mengenang bahawa orang yang menulisnya sudah lama mengadap Ilahi. Rindu tu jangan nak cakap la...

Daripada notes, surat dan kad2 yang aku dapat ni, aku realize yang sebenarnya aku masih disayangi. Aku ada kawan-kawan yang setiap kali sign-off surat, akan bagi aku "x0x0x0xo", "loves", "loves you", etc...dan semua itu pernah dulu menjadi teman masa aku rasa lonely kat asrama dulu. And masa zaman aku pernah berjiwang karat dengan boyefren aku dulu... hahahahah toye gile rasa...

...best kan?

(Al-Fatihah kepada Allahyarhamah Norzaida Masrom...)

.. kenangan lalu..

...hola!

Terima kasih pada yang IM aku personal bertanyakan keadaan mental aku yang tak berapa stable kebelakangan ni. Maaf sebab bahasa aku memang kasar; kalau ada yang take offense dengan status YM aku, actually itu sahaja cara aku luahkan yang terbuku kelat gelap melekat dalam hati aku ni.

Anyway, malas nak cerita panjang. Kerja masih tetap diteruskan...

Aku nak attach gamba ni. Mengimbau mak ayah aku 35 tahun yang lalu. Gamba ni di ambil sehari lepas pernikahan mak ayah aku pada 2 Ogos 1973.



..so, muka aku cam muka mak aku ke.. bapak aku? Heh heh heh heh heh..

...gunakanlah bahasa kebangsaan kita.. marilah jayakan ramai2...

...tak larat.

Perut sakit. Hati pun sakit.

Tapi kerja masih perlu diteruskan.

Pagi tadik aku dengar snippets perbahasan usul kat Dewan Rakyat. Aku rasa la Dewan Rakyat. Well, aku rasa Dewan Rakyat kita adalah Dewan yang.. membosankan. Sorry. Aku tau maybe sebab dia bagi dengar yang sopan santun je la kan. Yang macam bergaduh2 tu kurang kot. Or kebetulan hari ni semua orang demam(?) atau mabuk maruku(?) yang menyebabkan sesi tu.. MasyaAllah.. lemau macam kuih gulung kat umah aku.

Contoh:
Wakil A: Adakah kerajaan akan memastikan bahawa sebelum pemindahan pelajar ke IPTS yang baru, segala kemudahan prasarana, kuliah, makmal adalah sempurna?

Wakil B: Seperti yang kita maklumkan tadi, kami akan mengarahkan IPTS tersebut untuk memeriksa sebelum pemindahan dijalankan.

Satu, aku rasa Wakil B tak menjawab soalan. Tatau la kalau korang puas hati dengan jawapan berskrip ni. Sesi macam baca skrip. Tak mencabar langsung isu. Tak mencabar langsung intonasi. Tak ada provokasi. Macam berjual pantun. Sebab lepas tu Wakil A tak challenge langsung jawapan tadi.

Dua, aku rasa semua MP kat Dewan Rakyat tu perlu belajar Bahasa Melayu semula. Sorry, I am not being ultra-conservative here. Like, pro Malay cam UMNO. But please, make an effort to learn how to pronounce Malay word properly OK? You know, budak sekolah rendah sekarang be it India ke, Chinese ke, bercakap melayu tu dah bunyi macam Melayu. Even mamat India opis mate aku ni pun reti cakap Melayu proper. Malu le.

Kuliah, bukan kuli-e. Prasarana, bukan pasarna. Mula-mula kelakar, lama-lama aku rasa macam MP ni tak ada usaha langsung nak perkasakan sebutan. Apa, you sound stupid when speaking in Malay? Yeah memang stupid. So jangan la buat excuse. Belajar!

Waaaa emo nye aku. Maybe sebab aku tengah PMS... :)

chalorssss...

...wrestling mania..

...work work work!

Wrestling was on TV last nite. Some girls. Can't imagine how they can do THAT for a living. Like, pulling hair.. twisting limbs... knocking each other down. Some girl on girl action. Hey, I bet it's every guy's dream come true. Go figure.

I found out that wrestling thrive on drama. Hey, the last match between.. uhm.. that Rev Mysterio and Evan Airbourne was quite interesting. Fight to the end. Then, making amends. Then.. some big Mack truck-sized dudes coming into the ring and just smack them down senseless (or that is what they made us think). If there is an Academy Awards for sports, I bet they'll get all the nomination and perhaps bring back a statuette or two. Who knows, the referee will get the "Best Supporting Actor in Drama" award.

I love drama. Especially the one involving my fellow company-ians (is there such word..? sheesh).

I think I should resort to wrestling tactics.

First, get myself a persona, an image. Whom should I be called? The Gender Bender? The Abomidable Account Manager? The Ruthless Collector? Wow, the possibilities are endless!

Then, learn to talk trash. Trash the other support team like crazy. Create the hype - "Don't mess with this AM, or else...I'll escalate to your bosses and you'll regret it.. FOREVER~!! "

Plus, create a costume. Or better still, wear my company's logo across my CHEST!

Then, learn my move. Yeah, that chair-swinging is classic, but I'll be dead if I tried doing that to my customers. Yeah, my routine would be more ... on the talking side.. and the emailing side.. wrestling style... :P

..so, maybe I should start practicing.. today?

...sisterly love...

...Tuesday morning...

I wish to discuss about my brother today... and I just don't know what to do.

My brother is 13 years old. He's the only son in the family. When we fought, we were equal; equally 5-year-olds :). When my mom was pregnant with him, I used to smack my mom's belly so hard. I cried when I knew I would no longer be my parents' sole attention.

But, though I hate to admit it, actually I love him. ;-)

But that is not what I wish to discusss. I was so angry at him. Why? At the tender age of 13, he actually proposed to his girlfriend! How do I know it?

I read his text messages.

Yes, yes, the naivety of youth. I was 13 once. I know. But he's still.. young!

Is this me in protective mode? Yes. I mean, 13 is the age whereby you enjoy your teens. Go socialize! Play games and sports! See the world (through school trips with your teachers, mind you). Not to pursue stupid girls who spell 'aku' as 'aq' in her text messages. Euww..

I don't know how to approach this subject. If it's up to me, I'll text the girl and put it right my way - "hey slutty beeootchh, don't you ever, EVER, dare to play the fool around my brother!" Uh.. that's harsh.

But I have to remind myself that I have to let him experience this silliness we called CRUSH. At what expense? His study? Maybe. I want him to know that if he choose to pursue stupid young slutty bitchy hoe (pardon my language, I am still fuming), he'll end up being nobody. If you choose to pursue your future, you definitely get people to pursue you. Right?

I would blame the media for this problem. Turn to any channel on our pay-tv, they glorify this subject like nobody's business. Like, it's cool to have girlfriends... or that you have to conform to a certain image when you are a teen so that people will like you. You have to wear a certain style. My brother, he has curly hair. But since ALL his friends has straight hair and can style it with the latest trend, he was so crushed that he secretly uses rebonding hair product! As much as I laugh at that, I felt so sorry for him. I want to tell him that it's OK to be different.

I wish I can protect him from all this, but I know if I keep on doing that, I'll be losing him in the end.

But I would really... really.. love to text that girl. Just once.. Just.. ishhh...

...mak dan aku...

...pagi yang kelat...

Telefon mak semalam. Pesan kerepek bawang. Tambah rempeyek kacang. Satu kilo each. Tak sabar nak tunggu mak datang.

Telefon abah lewat malam semalam. Sembang pasal restructuring yang merunsingkan. Tak tahu ke mana hala tuju. Tanya abah bila abah nak sampai. Lewat malam esok, abah kata. Tidur rumah siapa? Rumah As la. Yeayyyy!! Kalah lagi kakak aku kat Klang. Mesti dia bengang dengan aku. Heh heh heh heh heh...

Kakak kakak aku semua kata aku paling manja dengan mak. Entah, sebenarnya aku sendiri pun tak perasan. Aku tanya Kak Long aku cemana pulak aku ni yang paling manja, dia kata sebab masa aku kecik-kecik mak selalu dukung aku bawak jalan-jalan. Ooo.. Lepas tu aku perasan kalau mak pi mana-mana dia selalu belikan aku gift yang kakak aku tak dapat. Be it that windchime yang aku gantung kat living hall window rumah aku, or that pencil box yang aku dapat masa aku tadika (masa tu aku baru balik dari sekolah, tau-tau mak tunjuk pencil box baru), or dua pasang baju tidur yang dia beli kat Jusco ("Jangan cakap kakak kau mak bagi baju ni...") ..oh, dan sebijik kek ceklat yang mak buat masa aku nak balik KL...

Oh.

Kak Long aku pernah tanya dengan mak kalau dia dah tak larat nanti dia nak tinggal dengan siapa. Mak kata, dengan As. Masa aku dengar dari kakak aku tu, tiba-tiba hati aku jadi sayu. Di mata aku, mak biasanya akan jaga aku. Masa aku sakit, mak yang tak tidur malam sebab aku menangis sepanjang malam. Jadi bila aku memikirkan satu hari nanti aku akan buat perkara yang sama pada mak, aku rasa sebak. One complete cycle of life. And I hope I'll do a good job, even if it is not as good as what she did to me.

Thank you mak..

...who am I kidding?

...and I thought you are different from the others...

Mimpi Yang Sempurna - Peter Pan
=========================
Mungkinkah bila kubertanya
Pada bintang2
Dan bila kumulai merasa
Bahasa kesunyian

Sadarkan aku yang berjalan
Dalam kehampaan
Terdiam, terpana terbata
Semua dalam keraguan
Aku dan semua
Yang terluka karena kita

Chorus:
Aku kan menghilang dalam pekat malam
Lepas kumelayang
Biarlah kubertanya pada bintang2
Tentang arti kita
Dalam mimpi yang sempurna
Aku dan semua
Yang terluka karena kita

Dalam mimpi yang sempurna..

...siapa aku?

...mengantuk...

Semalam aku sembang dengan Amir masa on the way back from the office.

Aku cakap dengan Amir, masa aku bujang dulu, aku ni jadi tempat kawan-kawan lelaki aku meluahkan perasaan. Bukan meluahkan perasaan tentang aku, tapi pada aku. Ada beza tu.

Biasanya luahan perasaan mengenai perasaan mereka yang tak kesampaian. Contoh dialog (ni memang berdasarkan pengalaman sendiri masa aku bujang):

Cerita 1:
Lelaki 1 : "Aku suka la kat si J ni. Lawa pun lawa.. pandai pulak tu.. heeee...tapi dia sure tak pandang aku kan..?"
Aku : Uh-uh. (memang pun - tapi dalam hati je la)

Cerita 2:
Lelaki 2: "Hee.. comelnye budak ni.. geram rasa nak peluk2 je.. peluk bantal guling pun rasa maca peluk dia.."
Aku : Uh-uh. (hoi mangkuk! Geli la bodo.. - again dalam hati je la)

.. dan macam-macam lagi la kan. Yang paling teruk, Lelaki 2 di atas ni pernah minat 3 orang gadis yang berbeza. Dan utk ketiga-tiga gadis ni, semua nya diluahkan bukan pada minah2 ni, pada aku. Shilake.

So kiranya aku punye pengalaman ni dah agak luas la kan. Kadang2 aku terfikir, pernah ke aku jadi gadis yang dinyatakan di atas ni. Aku cakap dengan Amir, kalau dalam satu negeri tu cuma ada dua orang perempuan, seorang ni pujaan hati semua orang sebab dia comel, dan seorang ni pulak tempat para lelaki yang mendambakan perhatian perempuan comel ni meluahkan perasaan, maka aku lah perempuan yang kedua tu. Tak pernah yang nombor satu. And aku rasa diri aku ni sangat la kurangnya. Sesuai jadi kawan, tapi takkan jadi orang yang menawan. Heh.

Then Amir tanya aku, aku boleh ke jadi comel? Dan itu buat aku terfikir. Yep, aku tak akan pernah jadi comel. Sebab itu bukan aku. Tapi aku tak kecewa. Aku berkahwin dengan Amir yang menerima aku se'ganas'nya.

Dan ya, Amir bukan salah seorang lelaki yang meluahkan perasaan tentang perempuan lain pada aku. Dia meluahkan perasaan dia...pada aku.

Thanks Amir.

...short announcement!

..di umumkan..

Borang permohonan biasiswa YTM untuk melanjutkan pelajaran ke luar negara telah selamat ditandatangani oleh:

1) AGM
2) GM
3) AGM HR KL

... dan selepas ini aku harus berdoa banyak2 semoga:

1) dapat placement - M.Sc Information Systems : Business IT
2) dapat scholarship

... dan pada yang menyinggah kat blog aku ni (kalau ade), doakan la aku sama2...

Amin..

...lagu ku untuk mu...

...bengang...

Lagu ini asalnye nyanyian Bonnie Tyler, tajuk - Holding Out For A Hero (lyric asal boleh dilihat di sini http://www.stlyrics.com/lyrics/footloose/holdingoutforahero.htm). Tapi lagu ini aku olah semula dan aku tujukan khas untuk Service Engineer ku..

History :
1) RNO - Regional Network Operation
2) SE : Service Engineer (obviously)
3) CSM : Customer Service Management

Where have all the good men gone
And where are all the RNOs..?
Where's the street-wise technicians...
To fight the rising odds?
Isn't there a Project Manager upon a fiery steed?
Late at night I toss and turn and dream of what I need...

[Chorus]
I need an SE!
I'm holding out for an SE 'til the end of the night
He's gotta be strong
And he's gotta be fast
And he's gotta be fresh from the fight
I need an SE!
I'm holding out for an SE 'til the morning light
He's gotta be sure
And it's gotta be soon
And he's gotta be larger than life...larger than LIFE...

Somewhere after midnight
In my wildest fantasy
Somewhere just beyond my reach
There's someone updating reports for me
Racing to the deadline end rising with the heat
It's gonna take a super-SE to sweep my mounting SHITTT...

[Chorus]
Up where the clients meet the bosses above
Out where the sales target splits the team..
I would swear that there's someone in CSM
(just) Watching me
Through the year end the target and the pain
And the infra is no good
I never feel his approach
Set the fire in my blood~!!

...dulu lain, sekarang dah lain?

...hola!

Hari ni aku nak bercerita pasal kuih raya.. to be exact, kuih kesukaan ramai.. Almond London.

Aku rasa kuih ni bila makan tak ada pun rasa macam duduk London. Tapi kenapa kena letak wording London kat belakang? Adakah sebab dia ada cokelat, dan cokelat banyak di London? Atapun sebab ada Almond, dah Almond banyak ditanam di London? Aku rasa tak. Adakah kerana warnanya cokelat kehitaman seperti kulit warga Afrika di London? Itu sudah perkauman! (ohh.. come to think of it.. padanla orang suka... ahaa...*hantuk kepala kat monitor laptop*) ...

Dan kalau pergi London, ada ke kuih ni dijual disana berbekas2? Tak ada kan? Tapi saban tahun kuih ni jugak la yang dicari dari budak budak sampai ke bapak budak, yang beraya di.. Malaysia. Hm.

Kuih Almond London yang aku pernah makan dulu memang sedap. Kalau cokelat dia tu penuh sampai ke bawah. Kira, selaput penuh la! Makan pun penuh mulut. Pastu kalau kacang tu, dapat sebijik! Punya la mewah..

Tapi, dengan kenaikan harga bahan mentah skang ni, rata2 Almond London dah tak seperti dulu. Kalau cokelat dia.. cuma cover belah atas jek, bawah dah tepung togel.. Tu jangan nak mula cerita pasal kacang. Dari sebiji, sampai separuh.. dan ada kes, dapat la suku. Aku rasa lama2 dia blend kan kacang tu, bagik je rasa badam... hm... kechiwa...

Anyway, sekarang ni aku dah kurang makan kuih raya. Satu, sebab kuih raya banyak marjerin/butter, nanti aku cirit birit. Dua, sebab skang ni aku rasa macam dah tak hairan la dengan Almond London, sebab kalu yang bertandang ke rumah aku, makan Ferrero Rocher... :)

...cerita lama...

..lama tak menulis!

Rindu nak menulis, tapi tak ada modal. Writer's block, orang kampung Paul Moss kate. Maybe.

Semalam aku jumpa kawan aku yang kerja kat Saudi. Tapi kali ni aku tak nak bercerita pasal dia kat Saudi. The fact that gaji dia 3 kali ganda dari gaji aku. The fact that dia dah buat umrah 4 kali dalam masa setahun setengah dia kerja sana. The fact that kat sana kalau setakat Chevrolet tu, bersepah macam Kancil kat Mesia. The fact that.. ahhh.. aku jealous dengan life dia. Tapi lain orang, lain rezeki. Kan?

Kawan aku ni ex-girlfriend kepada ex-boyfriend aku. Sounds familiar? Yes.. those stories about ex-es bonding.. coz.. we share the same.. fate? Hahhahahahahahha....

Semalam we hang out, for old time's sake. Maka bila bersembang tu, keluarlah cerita pasal.. ex-boyfriend kami ni. Tak leh avoid la kan?

Daripada cerita kawan aku ni, aku dapat tahu yang.. ex-bf aku ni selalu sangat bercerita pasal aku kat dia. Waa.. bahaya. She admitted yang dia tak suka dengar. Tapi since masa tu dia gf mamat ni, dia dengar je la. Walau hakikatnye dia rasa macam nak cekik2 je leher mamat ni.

Aku tak sangka yang ex-bf aku akan bercerita pasal aku. I mean, banyak kenangan manis aku la yang aku simpan dengan dia(dan seterusnye aku citer kat Amir.. hahahahahah.. selamba). Tapi pada aku, kalau kau nak share dengan orang lain, fikir-fikir lah dulu. Dia mungkin tak sanggup nak dengar cerita pasal kau sanggup turun Melaka dari KL semata-mata nak tengok aku kat hospital. Pada dia, itu cerita lama. Move on man..

Aku jadik segan dengan kawan aku ni. Sheeshh...

Pada aku, setiap hubungan harus beretika. Kalau kau tak cukup kenal pasangan kau, jangan kau menguji dengan perkara macam ni. Pasangan kau sure tak suka. And jangan pulak assume yang kalau dia tak cakap apa-apa, he/she's fine. Kenali hati budi. Jangan main membuta tuli...

Nak buat cerita lagi tak best... kawan aku ni break off dengan ex-bf aku..

...sebab aku (tapi.. dia tak tahu).

:(...

Wake up!

...wake up all...

This country is going downhill.

The traffic jam is getting worse just because some paranoid people think we will go down the street protesting EVERY single day.

The hours spent working gets longer since we need to get the money to pay for the rising cost of living.

The time spent with our love ones get shorter since we need to work, work, work!

The only thing that the radio broadcast is "guess which celebrity do this and that.."

The only thing on TV are movies, games, gossips, sex (oh, even that is filtered!), sports and fabricated news!

The only thing in the newspaper that we can trust is the lottery and 4D result! Oh, hopefully the praying timetable is correct...

The only word that kids might know nowadays is SODOMIZE.

The best thing after slice bread is another slice bread!

Hey... WAKE UP!

...little miss sunshine...

*morning*


Pernah dengar movie 'Little Miss Sunshine'?


Aku tengok citer ni smalam kat HBO. Kelakar. Tapi ada satu pengajaran yang aku ambil la at the end of the story. Citer dia simple. One girl decided to join a beauty pageant, and along the way the whole family learnt a valuable lesson in life.


There is the suicidal gay uncle who could not even take his own life properly and end up being depressed. And this 'vow-of-silence-taking' brother who realized his 9 months of total solitude since not being allowed to join flying school is for nothing, when he realized he's color blind. Heh, cold hard truth...


And a porn-loving grandpa who ends up dead upon realizing his life is in shambles. A father who has his book shelved by his author because he's a nobody. A wife who teethers at the brink of divorce when she realized her husband gave her false hope for a better life.


And with all these, they rode a Volkswagen bus to California, to provide hope to a young girl who, against all odds, became the rep for Alburqueque. Specky, chubby, but brimming full of sunshine within.


So what is the lesson that I've learnt?

You know, each member of this dysfunctional family finally came to term with their failures. Nobody likes to be a loser. But hey, life goes on! As much as we don't like the fact that we failed miserably, we should not dwell on it too much. Look around and see other opportunities. Other positive things that we can work on.

Yes, I HATE my job. I HATE everything in this company. But I should move on! This is just a JOB! That BOSS is just a mere human being. This company is just the national telco that will still be there as long as there is taxpayer money paying for the operation! And where I put myself, and how I value myself is totally UP TO ME!

...oy. Now back to work...

...when you feel undervalued...

*petang*

Dah lama tak update post. Nak dijadikan cerita aku punya notebook crash. Aku rasa happy. Liberated! First time in my life aku rasa sangat lega. Something lifted out of my head, my chest. Tapi petang tu aku terus dapat loaner notebook. Crap.

Anyway, that aside...

Aku sedang mencari kerja baru. Tempat kerja lama aku ni rasanya dah macam.. menyesakkan. Aku rasa aku overworked and undervalued. Aku tak seronok kerja kat sini. Tak ada kawan. Ramai yang membenci. Aku selalu fikir sama ada aku ke yang bermasalah, atau pun kerja ni yang bermasalah. Tapi semakin lama aku fikir, aku rasa, SYARIKAT NI YANG BERMASALAH. Hahahahhahaha..

Tapi bila aku tanya one of my online friend, dia kata, orang gila je sanggup amik aku bekerja. Wah. Aku setuju dengan dia. Aku gila. Aku gila kerja. Aku gila kuasa. Hence, orang yang gila saja sesuai bekerja dengan aku.

Semalam aku bincang dengan "home boss" aku (A.K.A Amir lorr..). Aku cakap aku nak resign. Dia kata OK jek. Tapi aku rasa dia sure tak larat. Hehe. Aku high maintenance. Bulan2 dah biasa pegang 3K ke atas. Nak apa semua beli sendiri. Nanti kalau aku berhenti mana dia nak bagi 3K buta-buta camtu? Hilang akal namanya...

So aku go thru apa options yang aku ada...

1) Cikgu - tamau la. Kakak aku 3 orang cikgu. Kalau balik rumah bapak aku tak de cerita lain.. tu pasal bapak aku tunggu aku balik. Sebab aku je yang tak bercerita pasal kerja cikgu. Heh.

2) Lecturer - tamau la. Sepupu aku ada sorang yang jadi lecturer. Jadi lecturer kat KUITTHO (aku dah lost dah nama uni tu skang). KUITTHO tu kat kampung aku. Sepupu aku ni kerek. Dari zaman sekolah nak bersaing dengan aku. And tak leh tengok aku dapat lebih. (Ada ke patut masa aku dapat 3 offer lepas PMR dia kata aku mengada-ngada apply banyak tempat? Suke ati aku la!) So sebab dia jadi lecturer, takkan aku nak sama karier dengan dia? Uh puhleeezzeee..

3) F&B - aku ade terfikir nak keje kat McD. Sungguh! Tapi aku rasa kalau gaji RM300 sebulan, kerja shift, aku rasa aku tak sanggup kot.

4) IT-related job - hm. Aku lepas graduate langsung tak jengah dan tak jamah ilmu IT ni. Programming assignment dulu pun aku banyak pau Amir punya solution. Mana nak reti? So takleh gak ni.

5) Marketing - Hoih, keje aku sekarang. Lagi la hilang akal. Aku penat la buat Sales & Marketing. Aku tak pandai berniaga. Aku lurus(?).

6) Orang gaji - aku rasa kalau aku offer nak jadi orang gaji, mesti ada orang yang sanggup nak ambil aku bekerja. Mana taknya, aku orang tempatan. Berdarah Jawa (eh, orang Jawa rajin tau). Cuma, sanggup ke buat kerja amah hari2? Tak ada cuti pulak tu...hmm...

... so, lepas menyenaraikan semua yang aku rasa aku boleh nak buat, aku rasa... kerja sekarang ni hadap aje la sampai muntah. Orang lain yang kerja kat company ni boleh je beranak dua-tiga, tadek hal je...?

Aku aje kot yang pandang keje aku susah... kena balik lewat. Orang lain balik 5.30 OK je?

Aku je kot yang rasa macam susah je nak jual product syarikat ni (ye la, NTU tak ada, network port tak ada, bandwidth tak ada...ah, Metro Ethernet dah takleh jual? What the..?)

Aku je kot yang rasa Customer Service aku tak nak tolong aku ("Pacnet Global is not in our list" - walaupun setakat tukar nama dari Asia Netcom Singapore ke Pacnet Global, dan dah attend meeting dengan customer pun.)

Aku je yang rasa macam tu.. actually OK keje kat sini ni.. kerja tempat orang gila.. :)

...kesian...

*morning*

Pagi pagi dah rasa macam nak makan sebiji muffin ceklat yang ada icing tebal manis gile. Sebab aku tension. Tension dengan orang lain yang tak buek keje dengan betul. Tapi takpe. Tak semua orang dilahirkan dengan kemahiran mengira yang baik. Ada yang tak pandai mengira. Ada juga yang tak pandai membaca. Menulis. Sebab, report outstanding collection unit aku asyik tak sama je. Mesti orang tu dyslexic. Tau dyslexia tu apa? Ha, pi cari kat wikipedia:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dyslexia

So, mungkin awek yang dok kena compile report aku tu dyslexic. Kesian. Takleh nak marah la kan. Tapi pelik, kalau dah tak boleh ada kemahiran camtu, buat ape company aku ni bayar gaji dia? Dah la tak mahir, taunya highlight aku aje yang outstanding manjang. Buang kerja lagi bagus. Tak menyakitkan hati aku.

Wah, negative betul aku pagi ni.

Anyway, aku akan cuba berfikiran positif pagi ni. So aku harap dengan clearnya rekod outstanding aku, dia akan lebih segan dengan aku. Lagipun last year dia berpeluang maki aku dengan menuduh aku menyebabkan appraisal dia cuma dapat 2. So this year kalau dia nak maki aku lagi, aku boleh la maki dia balik. Ah, positif tu. >:)

Ok ok, sekarang aku akan jadi positif betul betul...

Semalam aku sembang dengan Amir. Aku cakap dengan dia aku pressure. Since ramai yang dah baya aku dah jadi bakal mak orang, orang dah start bertanya balik. Dah start mendoakan aku balik dalam email. Heh. Tu belum la kan suggestion berurut etc bagai2. Ada jugak yang lepas cakap kata aku tak pandai 'buat'.

Aku cakap pressure lebih pada wife sebab kita yang kena conceive kan? Rupanya tekaan aku silap. Dia pun dah macam-macam kena tanya. Aku rasa dia pun dah mati kutu nak jawab apa. Tapi dia relax. Tak macam aku la, setiap kali dapat news ada yang dah mengandung, balik rumah aku akan terus jadi murung.

So aku tanya Amir apa suggestion yang pernah dia dapat. Dia kata, ada yang suruh pi klinik pakar, buat sperm count (gile ah). Ada jugak yang kata suruh buang anak kucing aku yang banyak tu (FYI, aku dah tak handle kucing aku langsung tahun ni, and aku tau kucing will only affect woman's reproductive system, not man).

Jadi, aku ada geng. Amir la geng aku. :P Takde la aku sedih sorang-sorang...

...biarkan aku...

*morning*

Acapkali hati ini berdetik
Betapa kerdil aku sebagai insan
Sering kelihatan khilafku sebagai teman

Mungkin pernah keikhlasan itu tersirna
Bila hati ini terungkai layu
Andai pernah sekali rasa itu bertamu
Hanya kemaafan mampu ku unjur buatmu

Aku juga insan sepertimu
Ingin lakaran indah wadah hidupku
Andai kebahagiaan itu bukan milikku
Lempar sahaja menjauh dari hatiku
Jika benar kurnia itu belum terukir namaku

Hela nafas ini belum tentu
Esok juga mungkin bukan untukku
Pada Tuhan aku pohon restuMu
Biar hari ini kurniaan terbaik dariMu
Kurang atau lebih itu yang sempurna bagiku..

..dan doaku agar terbias cahaya zuriat itu untukku.

...ayat-ayat cinta...

*morning*

Dalam kesempatan ruang yang sempit ini,
jika bisa aku lewati saat indah bersama mu,
Nafas ini mungkin tidak cukup panjang,
Tapi cukup untuk aku mensyukuri nikmat itu.

Ku titipkan bicara ini
Bukan hanya bila hati berdetik sepi
Bangkit dari jiwa yang sering
Ingin rasa disayangi.

Andai kata bisa aku lukiskan rasa itu
Pasti sudah aku hamparkan untukmu
Tapi aku gusar andai waktu itu
Hadir tanpa sempat bertamu..

Dalam kekabutan hati yang satu
Hanya ini ingin ku seru
Jiwa ini mungkin pernah semu
Tetapi hati ini tetap teguh untukmu.

Sebaris doa ku titip buat mu
Agar tetap berdiri di sampingku
Dalam tawa, dalam tangis
Biar hati ini pernah terguris
Tapi kasih ini usah biar terhakis...

...happy!

*morning*

Check payslip. Happy.

COMMISSION IN! COMMISSION IN! COMMISSION IN! COMMISSION IN! COMMISSION IN! COMMISSION IN! COMMISSION IN! COMMISSION IN! COMMISSION IN! COMMISSION IN! COMMISSION IN! COMMISSION IN!

Puas hati aku.

Untuk kerja mengutip hutang yang macam mintak sedekah. Untuk setiap new installation dimana aku bergaduh dengan service engineer dan technical team. Untuk segala masa yang sepatutnya spend berdua dengan hubby tapi instead duduk depan laptop mengandam proposal. Untuk airmata yang tumpah bila kena maki. Untuk bos yang taunya email "Update? Update?"

Untuk family plan yang aku tahan sampai aku cukup duit untuk bercuti tanpa gaji kelak untuk tengok anak aku membesar depan mata dan bukan untuk amah yang jaga. Untuk cuti yang aku spend kat Starbucks sebab aku kena buat kerja walaupun email aku terang2 ada "Out of Office" reply.

Untuk hati yang berdarah bila orang lain boleh balik 5.30 untuk menghadap keluarga dan aku masih mengadap akaun customer. Untuk panggilan waktu malam bila servis pelanggan aku terganggu sedangkan macam la tak ada unit NOC untuk bantu. Untuk segala quotation yang aku harus selesaikan sebelum aku balik ke rumah supaya esok boleh sambung untuk quotation baru.

Untuk semua ini... aku memang berpuas hati.

..solace..

*lunch break*

Hari ni cukup sibuk.

Plus, kalau aku tak sibuk pun aku akan menyibukkan diri aku.

Biasanya kalau aku ada masalah peribadi, aku akan ignore dan keep myself preoccupied with work. Walaupun kerja aku tension, tapi kebanyakannya masih dalam kawalan sendiri. Within my control and power. Solution depan mata.

Tapi masalah peribadi, perlu masa yang panjang untuk diselesaikan. Perlu difikirkan secara mendalam. Perlu diberi tumpuan. Dan aku tak pasti jika aku ada masa untuk itu.

Sebenarnya banyak yang bergolak dalam benak. Tapi aku tak pasti pada siapa harus aku luahkan. Nak cerita pada hubby, aku rasa dia punya masalah lebih, kalau tak pun sama banyak dengan aku.

Bila bercerita dengan kawan, lain yang dalam fikiran, lain pula yang terkeluar jadi perkataan. Ada yang berkecil hati, langsung menjarakkan diri. Entah. Seingat aku, aku yang bermasalah. Adakah mungkin dalam meluahkan apa yang terpendam, aku telah memadamkan sifat kesopanan dari tutur kata yang aku hamparkan?

Aku percaya pada kesetiaan. Pada kesetiakawanan. Lantas agak susah bagi aku mendekatkan diri dengan sesiapa kerana aku pernah kecewa. Dan kini aku masih kecewa...

Apa lagi yang tinggal selain dari melayan perasaaan hati sendiri dan cuba mengubati. Mungkin parut yang terkesan tidak lagi menyakitkan. Itu lebih baik dari membiarkan ia bernanah dan memakan diri.

We are our own best friend, and we cannot expect everyone to understand us. But most important is, just put up a happy front. Others doesn't have to know that you are tethering at the brink of depression. That slowly, you hurt yourselves. That by time, you will experience anxiety. And finally, maybe...

LETTO - Memiliki Kehilangan
------------------------------------
tak mampu melepasnya walau sudah tak ada
hatimu tetap merasa masih memilikinya
rasa kehilangan hanya akan ada
jika kau pernah merasa memilikinya

pernahkah kau mengira kalau dia kan sirna
walau kau tak percaya dengan sepenuh jiwa
rasa kehilangan hanya akan ada
jika kau pernah merasa memilikinya

pernahkah kau mengira kalau dia kan sirna
walau kau tak percaya dengan sepenuh jiwa
rasa kehilangan hanya akan ada
jika kau pernah merasa memilikinya

...remember when...

*lunch break*


I was glancing at my whiteboard as I typed. Something caught my attention. You know, I taped a piece of paper with a picture of a small kitten staring at its reflection on the mirror, but the reflection is of a lion. It simply says 'What Matters Most Is How You See Yourself".


So true.


Let me tell you a story about my dad.

At times when other friends' parents are the typical estate workers, teachers, policemen, *you get my drift*, my dad is the only one who work in the telephone company in that small town. He was away most of the time. Away for training in KL. Away for work, coming home late at night.

At times, we would have people knocking on our door at night, just to complain to my dad that his home telephone line is not working. And he actually went off to see to that. At that time, we don't have 100. No NOC. It's just, go to the telephone man (my dad) and he'll sort it out.

He picked me up from school using one of the company car (the one with the Jabatan Telekom logo on it), he sent me off to school with one of the cable truck (the big one for carrying the copper cable). Sounds like improper usage of company's asset. Hehe.


He introduced me to the communication technology at that time when I was in kindergarten. The first punch tape. Looks like braille but it's not. Then the old switchboard, flicked a few switches and I can hear my mom at the end of the line. Then he shows me the cabin, where all the telephone equipment was stored. Cold! All the computers.. so the canggih one. (At that time la.)


See, I was exposed to this company at a verly early age. How time changes. He instilled his pride for working in this company in me. He said, this company is being built by the Malaysian people. The taxpayer's money is used to build this telephone company, so we have to serve the Malaysian people. Give them what they need; telecommunication services. Work with intergrity.


My dad retired 1 year ago. He is still proud of the fact that he served the company for 30 years! 30 long.. long years... And guess what? He was not even being promoted! Yes, he's a bit bitter about it. But truth be told, what matters most is not the promotion...

Coming back to the motto that I taped on my whiteboard, my dad believe that what matters most is how he sees himself. Yes, he was not promoted. But he didn't see himself as an old, 'useless-to-the-eyes-of-his-boss' worker who was side-stepped so many times for promotion. He sees himself as an example to his children; that with perseverence, you will reap the benefits in the end. For him, there is no other pride than to see one of his child in a higher and better position than him, in the same company he has been working for 30 years.

How can I not have the same spirit that he had nurture within himself?

...Happy Birthday!

*morning at Starbucks KLCC*

Bliss. Bangun pagi. Check SMS.

"Happy Birthday!"

Heh, genap 27 tahun umo aku hari ni.

The author.. lepaking with a Grande Vanilla Latte.

Ada sesetengah orang stop celebrating birthday sebab ngeri dengan pertambahan umur. They just stop at a certain age. Me? I love my birthday. It reminds me of something extra special that happened in my life, in which I was given the opportunity by God, and by my loving parents, to be born into this world.

So birthday is not actually for you to think that it is one day for others to treat you extra special. It's for you to show your gratitude to the Almighty; with His Grace, you are who you are today. And show your appreciation to both Mom and Dad. Say 'thank you' for all the good life and love that they have showered you all along the way. And even if they suck at being your parents sometimes, you still owe them your life. (Hey, they are also human, like us, who screw up now and then). Remember that, always.

And don't forget all the friends that has been with you, through thick and thin. Who stands by you when you are down. Who lent you their ears when you feel like talking incoherently about how suck your job is. Who let you cry when you feel unworthy of yourselves.

To the special someone who never fails to kiss you goodnight. Who still adores you no matter how old and wrinkly you might get. Who love you unconditionally even if you hurt their feelings at times.

Without them, would you be able to live to this day?

Meet my new friend, Fifi. Thanks hun!

...Nanny McPhee...

*kat rumah*

Menghitung jam. Umo aku nak dekat 27 ni hah. :-)

Aku nak share a few photos of Amir and his nieces / nephews. Anak kakak2 aku... Dah ada tokoh jadik bapak orang pun... ;-)

So, bila pulak nak tengok dia dukung anak aku yek? Time will tell.. heh.

Asyran Ibrahim & Asyran Ibtisam

Fariz Azraei

Adrianna Batrisyia - latest addition to the family

Adiba Damia

...sandaran hati...

Saturday.

Woke up. After one night sleeping alone in a hotel room in JB, I am so relieved to see a familiar figure next to me. God. I hate travelling alone. Would rather not do it again.

It was quite tiring yesterday. I spent the whole Thursday meeting with my partners in Singapore. Coffee chat with Rachel. She looks radiant, albeit worrying about her waist size. Hey girl, aren't we the same? He he. I missed chatting with her. And my friends there too. Saw Pacnet Malaysia team there. Hm. In all the places... But thankfully I did not go to the event. Or else, I will meet all the familiar faces I always see in HQ. Like, Malaysia Hall in London. This time around, Malaysia Hall in... Suntec City? I'll be damned.

I did not get to do any shopping in Singapore. Hey, try converting it to RM. Even after 70% I'll still be broke. And with the hike in gas price, better not splurge on that Guess handbag. Anyway, their fashion trend is more or less the same with KL. So, might as well buy here than over there...

Today I felt... happy. I missed my husband terribly while away on working assignment, so today I make it up to him by letting him wake up later than usual. Brewed his fav mug of coffee. Did all the laundry before he wakes up so that I get to spend more time with him when he's awake. All the small things that I missed doing all week. You'll be surprised how small things like that really matter when you are married. Before, you kind of take it for granted.

Okey, I would not bore you with my marital bliss...

Anyway, I want to share with you this song lyric. I like this song. It reminds me of something that I have, sometimes, ignored. My most important relationship, and I took it for granted. Because this relationship never fails me. Never once.

It's my relationship with God.

Sandaran Hati - Letto
---------------------------
Yakinkah ku berdiri
Di hampar tanpa tepi
Bolehkah aku
MendengarMu

Terkubur dalam emosi
Tanpa bisa bersembunyi
Aku dan nafasku
MerindukanMu

Terpuruk ku di sini
Teraniaya sepi
Dan ku tahu pasti
Kau menemani

Dalam hidupku
Kesendirianku

Teringat ku teringat
Pada janjiMu ku terikat
Hanya sekejap ku berdiri
Kulakukan sepenuh hati
Peduli ku peduli
Siang dan malam yang berganti
Sedihku ini tak ada arti
Jika Kaulah sandaran hati
Kaulah sandaran hati
Sandaran hati

Inikah yang Kau mau
Benarkah ini jalanMu
Hanyalah Engkau yang ku tuju
Pegang erat tanganku
Bimbing langkah kakiku
Aku hilang arah
Tanpa hadirMu
Dalam gelapnya
Malam hariku

...sick of you...

*@ office*

I hate some of the people who worked around me (that, dear friends, includes my big boss.. oops.). They sucked the energy out of me, drained me dry towards the end of the day. So, this song aptly sums it all up... here goes...

A Place For My Head - Linkin Park
-----------------------------------------
I watch how the
Moon sits in the sky in the dark night
Shining with the light from the sun
The sun doesn't give light to the moon assuming
The moon’s going to owe it one
It makes me think of how you act to me
You do
Favors and then rapidly You just
Turn around and start asking me
about
Things that you want back from me

I’m sick of the tension
sick of the hunger
Sick of you acting like I owe you this
Find another place to feed your greed
While I find a place to rest

I want to be in another place
I hate when you say you don’t understand
(You’ll see it's not meant to be)
I want to be in the energy, not with the enemy
A place for my head

Maybe someday I’ll be just like you and
Step on people like you do and Run
Away from the people I thought I knew

I remember back then who you were
You used to be calm used to be strong
Used to be generous but you should’ve known
That you’d
Wear out your welcome now you see
How quiet it is all alone
I’m so
Sick of the tension sick of the hunger
Sick of you acting like I owe you this
Find another place to feed your greed
While I find a place to rest

I’m so
Sick of the tension
sick of the hunger
Sick of you acting like I owe you this
Find another place to feed your greed
While I find a place to rest
You try to take the best of me

Go away

...lompat, si katak lompat!

..working, from home.

Aku amik cuti sebab aku tak nak masuk office minggu ni. Banyak proposal aku pending sebab aku tak sempat buat sebab waktu office hour aku perlu bekerja dengan team internal yang akan off handphone / tak jawab phone / tak baca email lepas jam 5.30 petang. So, masa aku instead of habis dengan client, biasanya akan habis mengejar orang2 ini supaya kerja aku siap.

Bercerita tentang kerja aku ni kan, aku tak suka buat magic masa kerja. Contoh buat magic ialah; main lompat tikam. Hahahaha... Anyway, what I meant is kalau biasanya service installation amik masa 7 hari, aku tak suka buat dalam masa 2 hari. Sebab:

1) Order lain pun banyak kena beratur. Sekali aku main 'lompat tikam', order orang lain akan pending dan menyebabkan kerja orang lain jadi lambat dan kemudiannya orang itu akan menyumpah aku hidup2.

2) Ini akan menyebabkan sesetengah client merasakan dia sangat istimewa kerana order dia boleh main 'lompat tikam' walaupun secara zahirnya dia bayau sama jek dengan orang lain yang kena amik giliran.

3) Ini akan menyebabkan sesetengah client ingat dengan melalak kepada COO ordernya itu akan berjalan dengan lancar, sedangkan aku hanya ikut prosedur iaitu 7 hari bekerja. So sebab dia 'lompat tikam', aku kena 'lompat galah'?

Dalam kes ini aku sangat tak setuju dengan top management aku yang suka beri preferences kepada sesetengah client yang kalau ikutkan bukan top revenue contributor pun pada company tempat aku bekerja ni. Oh, so this client is a strategic partner? Hello, buat background check please.. tak semuanya betul, ada tu just take us for granted OK... Asal kenal itu 'Latuk' atas semua boleh jalan dengan lajunya.

Apalah salahnya be firm on the directives that you actually have provided as a guideline? Pada aku, itu serupa cakap tak serupa bikin. Kalau 7 hari, 7 hari la. Paling-paling pun exception mungkin kita boleh expedite mana-mana process yang tak perlu memakan masa yang panjang. Tapi hari ni keluar order esok pasang? Hey, ingat satu hari cuma sepuluh order yang datang? Dan for all you know, by jumping queue, you are not being fair to the other clients who actually had to wait for their turn, as if you are paying more, but you are not!

Aku marah ni bukan apa, ada sesetengah pihak yang take it for granted that we can provide you special treatment just because you press our 'Panic Button' - which is the 'Latuk' up there. C'mon...get another day job please...

...happy, happy days...

bored bored bored.. so much time, so little things to do...

So, what does a bored woman do to fill her past time?

Audit time!

Yep, I am a freak. I need to get myself a new hobby.

After doing the laundry and all the boring sweat stuff a wife always do during the weekend, I decided to clear out some unwanted items from my husband's office suite. Well, well, whaddaya know. I found some memorabilia. Many of them, of course, were dated way back from our uni time. My letters to him (ahem), some of our gifts to each other (mostly chocolates, and he kept all the wrappers! Euww...oh silap.. Aawwwww...)

One worthy to be mentioned is a birthday card from our friends to him. Actually, some girl friends. Don't get me wrong, I am not jealous. Heck, those girls know him well before I did. But I heard that he was actually interested with one of the girl. Before he met me. Heh.

By the way, for those of you who live in a small 3-room apartment like me, do organize and audit your home at least once in 3 months. It's important for you to clear off all items which have never seen the light of the day for more than 6 months, because you would never use them anyway. Like, hey I might use this later, this just need some fixing, I might need to read this.. etc. Because, if you are busy just like me, what are the chances that you will use them again? Like, never?

Plus, don't be too sentimental. Yep, you can keep some stuffs to remind you of your old days in college with your loved one (or ones.. he he). But why waste a lot of storage for memories? Especially if the gifts are not from your boyfriend who end up being your husband. Keeping them spells T-R-O-U-B-L-E. Hey, men do not appreciate competition, not from ex-es. :P

Other things that need to be stored and stowed away are wedding tokens. You know, those nice ceramic trinket boxes, those hand-held fans, the hankies, the glasses... it's very difficult to throw them out, isn't it? The bride and groom go all the way to give every attending guest something to bring back home, to remind you that yes, it's a happy occassion...

As much as I appreciate all of them, there will be time when you think.. hm... what do we do with these stuffs when it starts overflowing...?

But keeping them on display would just gather dust, and as pretty as it might be on the shelves, after a while you will definitely regret it once you have to start cleaning them. Especially now that you have kids... (snicker)...

Just to share with you my collection...

All nice and flowery...
How many you'd reckon you need, to keep yourselves cool...in a marriage?

...and many more!

... 'green'-day

*evening*

Two posts in a day!

I was quite stressed up yesterday. Well, when you get to know one of your colleague has joined the exclusive club of "preggy-hood" from another colleague who then rub a big pinch of salt in the wound by asking "Kau bila lagi nak mengandung ni? 'I' dah, 'H' dah, 'WF' dah... bla bla bla,", of course la aku rasa tak best. There I was, trying to slot in one installation for my client, and this girl who works at the appointment centre was giving me her two-cent worth. Hey, I got work to do... HELLO..

Aku tak mau komen banyak pasal kisah aku tak menambah umat Nabi ni. Memang pilihan sendiri. Aku senang begini. Berdua laki bini. Nanti, bila aku dah ready. Buat masa ni, jangan tanya lagi. Sebab aku benci.

So, what do a scorned woman do? What else, play golf! Golf...?

There I was, not knowing the difference between a 'boogey' or a 'birdie'. What birdie? I think it's a kind of an endangered species... NOT! I even got it wrong when pronouncing 'putting'. (Now I know, 'putting' as in 'cutting', not 'cooking'. Yikes!) As I picked up my club (hey don't even ask me what kind), I had this one puzzled look on my face... "What the hell am I doing here, again?"

Thank God, this class is for ladies only, so I had fun with my fellow lady-golfers... I bet we were the 'flowers' on the green. Hey, I saw men stealing glances at us. Heh. How cool is that?

I am sharing my first taste of golf with you...

Yep, KGPA... my playground for the day...

Will I be amongst the great ones?

Weapon of choice!

"Ladies, now do grab some balls.." Ball-grabbing; fun!

Bend your leg, spread a bit.. yeah..

...so, until next class, see you at the green!

..leave it...

Feeling a bit melancholic lately...

This is to all of you who still remember me way back in college, uni.. and maybe, work..

Leave Out All The Rest
I dreamt I was missing
You were so scared
But no one would listen
'Cause no one else cared
After my dreaming
I woke with this fear
What am I leaving?
When I'm done here?

So if you're asking me, I want you to know

When my time comes
Forget the wrong that I've done
Help me leave behind some
Reasons to be missed
Don't resent me
And when you're feeling empty
Keep me in your memory
Leave out all the rest
Leave out all the rest

Don't be afraid
I've taken my beating
I've shared what I've made
I'm strong on the surface
Not all the way through
I've never been perfect
But neither have you

So if you're asking me, I want you to know

When my time comes
Forget the wrong that I've done
Help me leave behind some
Reasons to be missed
Don't resent me
And when you're feeling empty
Keep me in your memory
Leave out all the rest
Leave out all the rest

Forgetting
All the hurt inside you've learned to hide so well
Pretending
Someone else can come and save me from myself
I can't be who you are

I can't be who you are...

...wonderful world...

*Afternoon*

I have nothing to update. Just to share with you this song lyric... I think this reflects my feelings as of now..

Wonderful World lyrics
I've been down so low
People look at me and they know
They can tell something is wrong
Like I don't belong

Staring through a window
Standing outside, they're just too happy to care tonight
I want to be like them
But I'll mess it up again
I tripped on my way in
And got kicked outside, everybody saw...

And I know that it's a wonderful world
But I can't feel it right now
Well I thought that I was doing well
But I just want to cry now
Well I know that it's a wonderful world
From the sky down to the sea
But I can only see it when you're here, here with me

Sometimes I feel so full of love
It just comes spilling out
It's uncomfortable to see
I give it away so easily
But if I had someone I would do anything
I'd never, never, ever let you feel alone
I won't I won't leave you, on your own

But who am I to dream?
Dreams are for fools, they let you down...

And I know that it's a wonderful world
But I can't feel it right now
Well I thought that I was doing well
But I just want to cry now
Well I know that it's a wonderful world
From the sky down to the sea
But I can only see it when you're here, here with me

I wish that I could make it better
I'd give anything for you to call me, or maybe just a little letter
Oh, we could start again
And I know that it's a wonderful world
But I can't feel it right now
Well I thought that I was doing well
But I just want to cry now

Well I know that it's a wonderful world
From the sky down to the sea
But I can only see it when you're here, here with me

And I know that it's a wonderful world
I can't feel it right now
I got all the right clothes to wear
I just want to cry now
Well I know that it's a wonderful world
From the sky down to the sea
But I can only see it when you're here, here with me

And I know that it's a wonderful world
When you're with me...

...mamee monster...

(lakonan semula)

Aku terjaga dari tidur. Jam di handphone menunjukkan tepat jam 4 pagi. Aku menggosok mata dengan perlahan-lahan. Berjalan ke bilik air. Ku lihat lampu 'wet kitchen' masih menyala. Perlahan-lahan aku melangkah ke dapur, ku jengah ke luar tingkap... tiba-tiba...

Satu, dua. Eh, tiga, empat.. siapa tu? Warnanya.. hitam. Berbulu. Ada... 4?

"Abang. Bangun!"

Bingkas bangkit suami ku dari tidur. Terus terduduk.

"Hah?"

"Abang... CHOMEL BERANAK! 4 EKORRRRRRRRRRRRR!"

Ya. Kucingku beranak lagi. Hampas. Bila masa...? Untuk tatapan kalian, we have welcomed 4 new members in our clan!

Teeny Tiny Kittens...4 of them!

Chomel, the proud mama.. Hm. Off to the vet! Castration needed.

Owh, this is not the proud father, and I am referring to the left one. :P Sorry bro.

Bontam, you.. you! Well, can't blame the tomcat for being so frisky. Off to the vet you go!

...mamma mia, here I go again...

Good Morning!

Semalam balik office lambat. Hubby and wifey kena kerja sampai malam. Huhuhuh..

Kelmarin aku sembang dengan kakak sulung aku. Topic paling hangat yang aku bincangkan ialah topik menjaga adat. Kenapa? Sebab ia bersangkut paut dengan satu budaya orang Melayu yang aku kureng setuju, iaitu bercukur jambul dan melenggang perut.

Kenapa aku tak setuju? Sebab pada aku cukur jambul tu bukan amalan yang betul. I mean, yeah, orang akan kata, ada marhaban.. and such, tapi that is not what our Prophet do right? Like, tak pernah pulak la ada dalam hadis yang menyatakan kita kena pusing keliling, cukur rambut baby and letak dalam air kelapa? What is the rationale? Nasib baik budak tu kecik lagi and tak faham, kalau besar sikit mau trauma budak tu. Dah, gaya rambut dia ditentukan oleh sekumpulan masyarakat yang I bet bukan semua tukang gunting rambut.. hmm...

And satu lagi yang aku tak setuju semasa cukur jambul is amalan campak duit syiling dengan gula-gula untuk direbut. Ada orang buat camtu. Kat kampung la. Kenapa tak suruh je budak2 tu beratur sorang-sorang, kalau ye la nak menderma kan? Berebut-rebut camtu. Kesian.

Pada aku cukup dengan buat kenduri doa selamat and buat akikah. Aktiviti tu pun dah cukup untuk merapatkan silaturrahim antara orang kampung. Tak payah nak buat yang pelik2...

Satu lagi yang aku rasa cam dah tak payah la buat ialah 'melenggang perut'. Gelek perut mak budak tu dengan kelapa, nak tau jantina lelaki ke perempuan. Like, kita kan dah ada ultrasound? Lagi best, boleh nampak budak tu lelaki ke perempuan. 3D lagi. Boleh print lagi! I mean, there is someting that we call medical advancement, isn't it? Buat kenduri untuk mak budak tu cukup la. Better still, doakan kesejahteraan mak budak and budak yang bakal lahir tu. Lagi berkat.

Now, the reason why aku pangkah ni sebab it happens to my own family member. My own sister. Aku rasa she's wise enough to know that these cultures are not right, and it is not being practiced in our family. Tapi tulah, bila kita dah jadi a part of another family, I can understand why she has no choice. But I still believe that how you shape your family, starts with having your own stand and say in your family, for your family. If it's not right, say so...

...booty-zilla...

*nak dekat tengahari*

Aku sembang dengan member aku hari ni. Perbualan berkisar tentang 'body issues'. Hm, topic yang biasa kita dengar.

Aku antara yang dulunye (mark my word, 'dulunye') tak perlu gusar tentang berat badan. Wah gitu! Makan ape pun aku masih nampak skinny. Skinny chic. Twiggy? That's me baby...

Tapi.. tapi... itu semua sudah berubah...

Satu hari aku perasan seluar aku semua dah tak muat. Kalau muat pun, sendat. Dah la sendat, aku nak berjalan pun penat. Penat? Penat tau...

Semakin kita mengalami proses kematangan, body kita dah tak membakar lemak macam masa kita kat university dulu. Wahh... dulu aku pergi kelas, jalan kaki! Jauh tau. Itu baru jalan kaki pergi kelas, pi Pasar Malam Taman Kerjasama? Ingat dekat ek dari Taman Bukit Beruang Utama tu? Berpeluh ketiak tau! Seb baik masa tu dah ade boyfriend, tak kisah la kan awek yang jalan seblah dia tu berpeluh. Heh. Sayang punye pasal. And kalau ingat balik, aku selalu jugak jalan kaki gi rumah boyfriend (hantar barang tau, bukan pi lepak umah dia), main basketball. Jogging. Mendaki bukit belakang tu (walaupun sampai atas muka aku dah biru).

Active! Memang la keping.

Tapi bila dah kerja, paling paling exercise aku ialah jalan kaki pi jalan tengah kat belakang office aku utk tapau nasik hari jumaat. Or skang jauh sikit la, jalan kaki pi LRT. Waktu balik SAHAJA. Plus, aku dah kurang bersenam. Dulu masa kawan aku ramai bujang, ade jugak la nak main futsal sebulan sekali. Skang, semua yang bujang, dah kawin, plus dah membawak budak. Mana la nak main futsal lagi...

Kalau ada orang yang nampak aku sekarang, they always say that aku tak banyak berubah pun. Masih keping cam dulu. Tapi, underneath this baju, aku (dan Tuhan..) yang tahu.

Bila body dah tak rasa.. cam dulu, it really affects your confidence. Sekarang, nak gayakan seluar pun aku fikir 5-6 kali. Suit aku seluar dah kena pakai M (dulu S ok?). Bila nak pergi kerja, aku pening nak fikir baju apa yang boleh menyorokkan lower portion body aku yang semakin tak sekata ni. Bukan setakat baju, tang muka pun aku dah naik sebu menengoknye. Makin gebu! Tak nampak dah jaw line. Yang aku nampak? Bumper, tang dagu. Double you...

This is depressing. Hmm.. nak makan eskrem coklat lah. ;-P

..sambungan kerja tangan.. :P

Banyak tak?

Ini satu lagi version... yang clear plastic.. chomel tak?

Hari ni aku duduk rumah. Duduk dengan mak. Best duduk dengan mak.. :-)

So semalaman aku mengandam hadiah utk party akak aku ni. Sampai jam 2 pagi. Mak aku dari bersembang, tau tau dah tidur.. punya la nak temankan aku buat sampai siap.. Boleh bukak bisnes ni.

Pada siapa-siapa yang rasa cam nak test kerja tangan aku, boleh la contact.. aku bagi POC free. Tapi bahan kena la bagi. :P

Ciao~!

*pagi*

Mak bancuhkan nescafe panas. Semakin berat kaki ni nak pergi kerja. Setiap kali mak datang rumah aku mesti malas nak pergi office. Masih rasa nak tidur dengan mak. Tapi mak faham, anak dia yang sorang ni kaki kerja. Dia datang pun aku tak ambik cuti.

Tapi pagi tadi aku terasa jugak la bila mak aku cakap gini "Mak pi rumah Kak Uda pagi ni, sebab rumah ni tak ada orang." Adus.. Tapi lepas tu mak sambung.."Nanti malam mak datang lagi, mak tidur rumah kamu." Yeay yeay...

Apapun aku akan EL esok. Nasib la.

Ini mak aku masih muda, masih gagah nak ke sana ke mari. Satu hari nanti mak aku mesti akan tua. Dan semestinya sebagai anak aku akan ambik giliran utk jaga dia. So, masa tu adakah aku akan macam ni, pergi ofis pagi dan tinggalkan mak aku sendirian kat rumah? Lu fikirlah sendiri, bak kata Nabil.

Tapi dalam keadaan ekonomi yang kian gawat (si bodo mana yang naikkan harga minyak semalam?) aku tak pasti sama ada aku mampu untuk menguruskan orang tua aku. Serius. Aku sudah pasti perlu bekerja (masa tu adakah aku masih digajikan? Dibuatnya kena CSS?). Zaman sekarang tak sama macam zaman dulu kala. 5 tahun dulu bila aku baru mula kerja, aku menyimpan azam, satu hari nanti aku mampu bersara awal, dan boleh jaga mak aku bila mak aku dah tua.

Tapi sekarang aku rasa susahnya nak berhenti. Economy-wise, it looks gloomy and depressing. Dengan gaji aku hubby and wifey ni memang susah rasanya nak fikirkan begitu.

Aku kini perlu fikirkan macam mana nak kurengkan perbelanjaan bulanan:

1) No more fancy restaurant. Aku kena limitkan cuma sebulan sekali makan kat tempat yang agak pergh harganya (dulu ikut suka..).

2) Naik LRT (walaupun aku rasa by the time aku sampai opis aku dah rupa macam harimau belang, aku akan gagahkan jugak).

3) Okey, that Newsweek and TIME magazine? Walaupun ada tax deduction, takleh nak beli every week seperti yang aku buat sekarang. So baca online aje la.

4) Lupakan handbag baru berjenama.. oh Braun Buffel ku.. tak dapek la nak beli yang itu...

5) Baju baru? Tiada lagi sebulan sekali. Isk isk..

6) Lebih rajin buat claim T&T. :)

...aku rasa aku boleh! Ye boleh!